Sometimes I'm Hazel!

 

Everybody is busy. Not everyone has the time or energy to clean up, dust off or sweep up. And hiring a housekeeper every week, much less once a month is not in everyone's budget. But tidying up is not just about cleanliness, although that's important, it's also about keeping your pets out of potential harm. Like maybe don't leave that half-eaten chocolate bar hanging off the edge of your kitchen counter that would take Fido one good stretch of his neck to grab, gobble up and end up in the ER.

Often times I have to channel my inner Hazel to prevent any incidental pet casualties. I don't mind putting on that "apron" especially if I'm visiting a client's home for several days. Working in a clean environment benefits everyone. So sweeping various unidentified food particles off the floor, throwing away that broken plate in the corner, quick-mopping mystery stains found through out the pet areas and throwing away that used female blood-collecting device off the floor (YES that s--t happened!🤮) makes my job SO much freakin' easier and less stressful.

If I'm doing a stretch of Overnight visits and a client leaves me a kitchen straight out of Kitchen Nightmares I'm going to give it a good once-over that would make Gordon Ramsay blush. Because botulism is not on my To-Do list.

So I'm fine with doing a little cleaning, it gives my brain a feeling of calm and saves me from being grossed out from whatever mystery object is on the floor. 

We are all busy. I'm busy too and after a long day of work I make sure I come home to a clean, relaxing environment. That's why when the situation calls for it, sometimes I become my own Hazel, or your Hazel. In any case Mr. Baxter will be happy.

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The Fellowship Of The Hoarders!

The occasions on which I’ve had to pass on a client are few and far between. It takes a lot for me to say, ‘thanks, but no thanks.’ Even if I know a client might be difficult, I’ll take them on and add the DCT later (Difficult Client Tax). 

However, the rare exceptions share one key trait: hoarding. The first giveaway is always the same: “Oh it’s never like this. I just haven’t had a chance to clean up.” Really? You haven’t had a chance in the past...20 years?

One client’s hallway was barely passable, lined with cans of unidentifiable chemicals. Could’ve been paint, could’ve been plutonium. My first thought wasn’t how to take care of her cat. It was, “I don’t want to die in this hallway!” Her cat, bless its soul, had adapted to its environment; much like the dogs of Chernobyl.

Then there was the couple whose home was so overcrowded I couldn’t even see the floor. Somewhere beneath the mountains of clothes, magazines, and questionable knick-knacks were two cats - allegedly. I never saw them. I politely decline clients like this and explain that ‘I don’t think I’m the right fit for you.’

I get it. Life happens. Right now my own closet looks like Sauron’s give-a-way bag. But when the passageways in your home look like you’re on a journey to Mordor, it might be time to call a professional (and I don’t mean me).

As a pet sitter, I’m here to care for your fuzzy babies. Part of that care means ensuring I can safely navigate the space to not only find your 'precious' fuzzy baby, but to ensure their safety as well. Because if I have to bring a GPS, a flare gun and a ten thousand year old wizard just to locate your cat, there's no amount of Bitch Tax to take the job. Oops! I meant...DCT.

Becoming “Miss Minutes”: TVA’s Guide To Fido’s Timeline

 Ah, the elusive 15-minute visit. Some of my clients love this option to save money—and trust me, I’m all about saving a dollar. But then there are the Variants...I mean other clients. The ones who look at that 15-minute slot and think I’m Miss Minutes and can manipulate the space-time continuum.

What the client wants done within 15 minutes, may go something like this: “Hey after Fido’s walk, can you also give him his medication, his food, brush his coat, wipe his paws, brush his teeth, wipe his ass, play with the cat, move my car, take the trash out and do the hokie-pokie and turn yourself around?”

I do become Miss Minutes in a way as I politely say, “Well my stars that's a lot! We’re working with a limited window of time sugar.” I would never call anyone ‘sugar.’ But I will say, “I can’t do both abc and xyz, unless we bump it up to a 30-minute visit.” Nine times out of ten, the client agrees. But then there’s He Who Remains—the one client who decides to test the limits of reality. “If I can do abc and xyz in 15 minutes, why can’t you?!”

At this point, I’m tempted to say, “I haven’t gained my certification as a Tempad-carrying Minuteman. And in order to avoid a Nexus event, I will not be able to alter Fido’s timeline.”  I generally opt for silence. In most cases they say, “Fine, we’ll do the 30 minutes.” Other times they come across like Mobius and say, “Please do as much as you can in 15 minutes!”

Time is precious, and so is Fido. And until we reach the level of quantum physics to leap from one multiverse to another; let’s keep our expectations rooted in reality. Meanwhile, I’m still waiting for Amazon to deliver my Reset Baton and my Tempad.